I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now and really wish I did sooner, but I kept putting it off because it’s honestly one of the hardest posts I’ve ever had to write. There were times where I felt like I could mentally write it down, but didn’t want to ruin the joy I was feeling that day. I didn’t want to relive one of my darkest moments all over again.
I remember the day we found out we were pregnant with our first little one. B and I decided we’d wait until that Monday, December 19th because it was not just any day, it was Portia’s birthday! I was so anxious that morning. I woke up around 5:30 a.m. and shook Brandon to let him know I was ready to take the pregnancy test. I peed on the stick and left it in the bathroom while I snuggled up back in bed and said my prayers. The 3-minute timer went off and I immediately ran back into the bathroom. I impatiently waited for B to get out of bed and record it all on his phone just in case we were winners that month. I flipped that stick over and it was a big positive! B and I were in shock, but excited! We went back into bed and just laid there with our jaws pretty much wide open. I remember saying “oh my gosh, I’m pregnant” over and over again. To say we were super excited was an understatement.
B and I agreed on keeping it our secret until we hit 12 weeks. This was something we had agreed on even before we got pregnant because I knew there was that small percentage that something could happen. I remember thanking God multiple times for the most precious Christmas gift we could have ever received.
I successfully went about my week and kept my mouth shut not saying a word. Thursday night came around and I noticed a little bit of bleeding. I remember freaking out because it was bright red, which indicated it wasn’t old. Friday morning came around, which mind you was December 23rd. I went into work that morning just having a feeling something was going to happen. I told B to be on call just in case I needed to go to the doctors. The bleeding only got heavier and heavier by the morning. I was instructed to go to the hospital by my doctor since the weekend was here and they could get my blood type much faster in case I hemorrhaged. I immediately called B and he took me to the hospital. Now, let me say in all of this I wasn’t freaking out. I felt like I fully prepared my mind for this moment because I knew this could happen. Not only did I prepare myself, I felt like I even prepared B for this. I reminded him and myself daily that this could happen.
After a couple tests, the nurse finally came back to tell me that I was miscarrying. I remember she was trying to make me feel better by telling me there was nothing I could have done to stop this from happening. I repeatedly told her that I know and I was okay I wasn’t upset, I knew this could happen. We left the hospital and made our way home.
B and I agreed that we weren’t going to tell anyone. We didn’t want our family knowing we were trying because that only put excitement out in the universe and more pressure on us to try for a baby. All these questions started running through my head: How long will it take until I get pregnant again? Will my body keep rejecting being pregnant? Can I even get pregnant again? I remember texting my close friend asking her what to expect when miscarrying since she too had experienced one not too long ago. The nurse told me it could be very painful and being that it was Christmas weekend I was pretty much instructed to sit around and not do too much with holiday celebrations. That scared me, but thankfully my friend comforted me and told me it was going to be okay. Actually, she lifted me up by saying you’re super fertile after a miscarriage. I did my research on that and it’s technically true guys!
We parked the car and walked into our apartment. That’s when it hit me. I sat on the couch and started crying. B kept trying to make me feel better and reminded me that we’ll get pregnant again. I know he was just as hurt and didn’t like seeing me this way.
Days passed by and my emotions only got worst. I remember uncontrollably crying too many times. I’d wake up in tears and go to bed in tears. I’d cry in the shower and while eating every single meal. I couldn’t walk out of the house without crying. I honestly didn’t think it was going to hit me as hard as it did. You can’t mentally prepare yourself for something like this, no matter how hard you try.
December, January, and February were probably some of the darkest days I’ve had to live. Not being able to tell my family what had happened was hard. They knew I was acting different and kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I wasn’t ready to talk about it to anyone nor did I want them knowing, which resulted in me being very distant with my family. I told B and myself I couldn’t see family or friends until I got pregnant again. I couldn’t look at them without crying and then having to explain it all. I was depressed and felt alone. I remember thinking if only they knew what I was going through maybe they’d understand why I was acting this way. Yes, it was my fault and decision not to tell, but it still ran through my mind.
I couldn’t sit in silence. If I did, my mind started running through everything that had happened and may not happen in the future. The one thing that kept me calm was putting my headphones in, putting on my Spotify playlist, pressing play, and listening to Christian music. That’s how I coped. It’s how I healed. If there were silence, I’d immediately put it on. It reminded me that He has a plan and that this wasn’t the end for us.
As hard as it was, I remained faithful through all it. I knew he would bless us again with another little baby. And that he did. It only took us 2 months to get pregnant again. We were so incredibly blessed to get pregnant that fast. We seriously couldn’t believe it.
Most of the sadness went away when we found out we were pregnant again, but I’m occasionally reminded about the past. It’s the little things, like telling the doctors this is my second pregnancy. That crushes me every time. I feel like I’ll forever mourn the little baby that could have been, but begin to smile when I remember that they’re a sweet little angel now.
If there’s one thing I learned through all this, it is to remain faithful and don’t let the darkness take over. He has a plan for you and I promise it’ll be worth it. Your rainbow will be here someway somehow, no matter the outcome <3